Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

2016 Ben Hurt!

Alright you fucking Sad Sacks. Chariot Wars returns for another year of brutality!

Here's what you need to know so far:

February 13th., 2016
Meet for Brunch at Dawson Park, PDX and be ready to ride from there.
Brunch starts at 11 AM
Ride to the battle leaves at 1 PM
Shit-talking begins NOW!

2016 RULES!
This is mainly a formality since very little is changing, but here are the rules this year's organizers have decided on for Ben Hurt 2016. 

 1) Have fun, dammit. It's fun to fuck up your friends, but remember that we ARE friends.

 2) To be eligible to win, a team will consist of two people, one charioteer and one steed, a bike/trike/kickscooter/unicyclist and a chariot joined together by a hitch.

 3) Battlecars may enter but may not win. If there are enough entrants, we propose a separate battlecar expo demolition derby, which would be hella sweet.

 4) If any team member loses contact with their chariot, they're out. If your chariot is disabled, you're out. Cheaters are out. Goon Squad has final say.

 5) Spectators are not to fuck with chariots in any meaningful way.  You can hand someone a fallen weapon. Glitter/shaving cream balloon bombs, okay. Chili-flinging, gross, but okay. Build a chariot if you want to fight.

 6) If a battlecar is in the arena but not participating in the battle (like the hot tub), they are not to be fucked with.

 7) Goon Squad can and will blacklist spectators from the party and Sunday Olympics if these very simple guidelines are not followed.

 8) No chemical/biological weapons. Smoke bombs are okay, as is blood from a wound sustained in battle, but please don't bring pipe bombs or months old piss and rotten eggs. This applies to spectators as well as charioteers.

 9) Weapons must be padded. If you want to use an unpadded weapon ONLY against chariots, it must be painted bright orange. If you don't want it used against you, don't bring it.

10) deal with it.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Friday, January 30, 2015


Poster has wrong date. It's Feb 14th.

This year's rules:

  • Have Fun 
  • Each team must shotgun a beer each before taking off to the battle spot (aka the Bones Dome) and upon commencement of the battle
  • Two man Chariots
  • One steed, one charioteer, one bike, one chariot joined together. Anything thing beyond that is a battle car .
  • If you are caught cheating you will be dq'ed 
  • Battle cars can enter but cannot win 
  • No chemical or biological weapons(smoke bombs, fireworks can be used but not against competitor use good judgement )
  • If the charioteer or steed lose contact with your chariot you are out. Goon squad led by Dutch and his goons will have the final call 
  • Weapons for chariots will be painted orange
  • The crowd is allowed to harass Battle Cars but not the competitors. Teams can pay crowd members to launch guerrilla attacks against Battle Cars but payment must be in the form of whiskey.
  • If a chariot is disabled you can go for the chariot jack which means if you can displace the chariot and steed within 30 seconds of you being declared disabled you can run the stolen chariot 
  • If you can't take a beating with it don't use it against other competitors 
  • Last statement is if you have a question about the rules ask someone they are traditional rules and if it seems sketchy it probably is lets have fun because as much as its about beating the snot out your friends its about a good time ....
  • Each team must make a banner to be posted along the arena when your out your flag hits the dirt ....
  • The crowd can hand weapons off to their squads and throw shit but lets keep it under control 

Monday, February 17, 2014


After a brutal battle in a monsoon-soaked wasteland Garai and Luke of Team Sexx'n Candy (and Pavement Princesses) won chariot wars!
Their epic one-handed pullouts eliminated team after team, crushing all in their path! 
Until next year keep praying to the Ben Hurt Gods for another battle of the ages! 
Watch the whole battle here: 
Photo and video credits: Billy Meiners, Dabe Alan, Lee Ackerman, and Felix

And the crowd goes wild!!!

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Saturday rally point!

All brave souls for the epic battle of the gutter gods meet at: 1730 se 35th place. This Saturday, Feb 15th at 1:00 pm. There we will feast on flesh and blood before riding forth to the battlefield. Ride departs at 3:00 pm. 

No cars. No fucking glass! Ride your fucking bicycle. Don't be late or ye shall be sacrificed to the superfund site!

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Da Rules. (2014 edition)

Theme this year: MONSTER MASH

Meet for Brunch at 2pm on Sat 2/15: 1730 SE 35th Place
After brunch (around 5pm) we will ride as a group to the wars. The location is a secret to keep cars away. Fuck cars!

Rules are basically the same as past years (Goon squad will be in effect to make sure y'all are safe):
-Build a bicycle pulled chariot, connected with a hitch system.
-At least one rider on the bicycle and one in the chariot.
-All weapons must be padded. No helmet pulling. Don’t send your friends to the hospital!
-Your team is OUT if: (a) you become disconnected from your bicycle/chariot , or (b) your shit breaks.
-Chemical weapons are discouraged.
-Battle Cars can compete but you cannot win.
-This year’s theme is MONSTER MASH. Feel free to gear up/decorate accordingly.