Thursday, February 24, 2011

Warriors of 2011!

2011 Ben Hurt Chariot Wars had an amazing showing! We had 20 teams by my count (and maybe more if I missed one). Record numbers of women competitors, Chariots pulled by MINI BIKES and skater chariots! We had Teams from Seattle, Vancouver Canada, SLC, and Portland! Hell yeah!

Bear Force One

Photo By: Bike Portland


Photo By: Ryno Downhill

Awosum Boners

Photo By: Ryno Downhill

Danger Zone

Photo By: Ryno Downhill


Photo By: Bike Portland


Photo By: Dabe Alan


Photo By: Bike Portland

North Freak

Photo By: Ryno Downhill

PDX Dead Babies

Photo By: Ryno Downhill

Wheel Chair-iot!

Photo By: Bike Portland

Bike Club Vest

Photo By: Bike Portland

Grillbike (Pedalphiles)

Photo By: Bike Portland


Photo By: Dabe Alan

.83 (Impalin 2012)

Photo By: Ryno Downhill

Salmon Nation

Photo By: Bike Portland


Photo By: Ryno Downhill

Landyachtz Longboards

Photo By: Ryno Downhill
(and a quick "How to" on using your company's tools to make rad shit. Probably on company time...)

Team Venom

Photo By: Ryno Downhill

North Portland

Photo By: Bike Portland

Vagina Dentata

Photo by: Ryno Downhill

Sunday, February 20, 2011


THANK YOU to EVERYONE who helped make Chariot Wars an amazing success. The Goon Squad, our Fire Performers (damn they were hawt!), all the competitors, and the hoards of spectators! You all make us very happy to have such an amazing community! And honestly, thank you to the Portland Police for doing your job with patience and a little understanding.

Comment on this post with your links to photos and we'll continue to update it with all the latest pics and vids! Click on the photos below for links to galleries.


Bike Portland

And an article!

Dabe Alan

Ryno Downhill

The Zed

Raw Video Footage by: OUTERSPACEBOOK

Dusty Trails on Facebook

Oregon Live article

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Chariot Wars Weapons!

Just a couple quick notes on weapons.

All sharp corners/edges on EVERYTHING (weapon, chariot, bike, whatever) must be wrapped/padded/made not sharp.

There is a difference between weapons intended for chariots and weapons intended for people.

-All weapons intended for chariots must be painted bright orange. You can only use these weapons on bikes/chariots. No "accidents" or we will break you.

-All weapons intended for people must be WELL padded. Molded latex or whatever does not count.

-If your weapon is viewed as too dangerous/hard/painful it will be taken away (maybe even before you get a chance to try to use it).

THINK ABOUT IT. We're all friends here, no one wants to see anyone get seriously hurt.

GOON SQUAD is in full effect this year. Do not fuck with them. They'll be sober, and very unhappy about it.

Monday, February 7, 2011

The Ben Hurt Trophy

Who wants it most?

The winning team gets the honor of keeping the Ben Hurt Trophy for one year before returning it to the battle at the next year's Chariot Wars.

Will YOUR name be the next one on the trophy?

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Rules Review

Just a quick review of the rules for this year's Chariot Wars:

1. Your team must use a Bicycle pulled Chariot.

2. Battle cars can enter, but they cannot win.

3. 2 to 3 people per team.

4.All teams must undergo a private safety check of ALL weapons before they're allowed to compete. (we don't want to ruin your surprises, we just want to make sure they're safe)

5. If a rider becomes disconnected from their bicycle/chariot at any time, or if the bicycle/chariot is no longer rolling your team is OUT.

6. The crowd is not allowed to touch any competitors/Bicycles/chariots.

Lastly: NO GLASS! (who fucking brings glass to a biking event anyway?)

Goon squad will be in full effect to ensure everyone's fun and safety.

We want a bunch of people out there, a ton of chariots, and we DEFINITELY do not want anyone to get seriously injured.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

The Greatest Warriors on Earth!

Think you're ready to win Chariot Wars? Think of who you'll have to beat first.

Awosum Boneurs:

Strengths: They're Batshit Crazy, and have more weapons packed in that little chariot than most people even dream of. 2nd place 2010

Mini Bike Army (TWO TEAMS!):

Strengths: Invaders from the north. They dominate Portland with unforgiving brutality and sexuality. (rumors they're ACTUALLY Canadian are lies!)

Rev Phil:

Strengths: Creator of the most dangerous chariot EVER. This chariot could kill or severely maim everyone at once. Literally.

Team Campfire:

Strengths: Lower carbon footprint wooden chariot means a higher likelihood of stomping their competitors.

Team Canada (AKA The Brakes):

Strengths: One of the most ferocious teams ever in Chariot Wars. They can take a harder hit than anyone, and do it in their underwear! Gentleman James got 1st Place 2007

Cart Madness:

Strengths: Fast and tough from out of town. Don't second guess the mighty shopping cart!

Castle Stormers:

Strengths: Years of hauling around heavy soundsystems by tallbike give this team unparalleled pulling power.


Strengths: Probably the 2nd most unbreakable hitch of all time. The wield foam bats like a tornado throws kids in a kindergarten class.

Dead Babies:

Strengths: Years of experience kicking the most ass in the Pacific Northwest. They're constantly smiling because they know they're just about to kick your ass too.


Strengths: He's loud. Really REALLY Loud. Bursting eardrums left and right leave a wake of destruction behind this chariot.

Team Dethwish:

Strengths: Indestructible construction, and tough as hell. 2 flat tires, a broken chain, and covered in searing road flares they got 1st Place in 2008


Strengths: Strength. 'Nuff said.


Strengths: Indestructible everything. They are utterly RELENTLESS in their pursuit of victory. Never underestimate their sneakiness. 2nd Place 2009, 3rd place 2010 & 2008.


Strengths: Small, manuverable, and f*cking fast. This team figured out how to encase a human in a bomb-shelter and mount it on wheels. First ever winner of Chariot Wars 2007.

The Fukit Bukket:

Strengths: Deadly with a mop, and cute as a button.


Strengths: She will leave you beaten, cold, and naked on the battlefield. Her craftiness is not to be underestimated.

Hamster Ball:

Strengths: Part of the Pedalphiles this team can battle upside down. This contraption is the most elaborate body armor anyone has ever worn to Chariot Wars. It's like an exoskeleton of ass-kicking.


Strengths: They created Chariot Wars. Seriously Sinister weapons, a solid chariot, and a twisted sense of life. Their "flying monkey attack" should be feared all over the Northwest.

Team John Doe:

Strengths: He's not falling down, he's bodyslamming the earth!

Team 12:

Strengths: Anyone who can pull 5 steel bike frames, and two humans on 4" cranks while casually smoking a cigarette can crush you with their pinky toe.

North Freak:

Strengths: Rock solid construction, and tough as shit.  Their chariot ain't bad either.

Not Sorry:

Strengths: They're not sorry. Ever. It takes 4 people to take down even one person on this team. I have proof.

Original Sauce:

Strengths: Style and foam spikes.


Strengths: They're not even human. Their warriors and their battle cars appear through dark black wormholes, and from behind your uncles woodshed. They come only to destroy everything, leaving portland in shambles.

Team Pedicab:

Strengths: Any bike able to haul a cart-load of drunken assholes around on a Friday night has no problem running over a bunch of drunken assholes on a Saturday morning too. This team is definitely done taking any shit from anyone. Ask them. I dare you.

Team Red Cross:

Strengths: These guys can take a flying shoe to the face while riding at top speed, and still win the race staring through the spray of their own blood. Who's gonna save you now?

Team SALT:

Strengths: They'll do anything on a moment's notice. They're crazy like that.

Team Trial By Error:

Strengths: Skinny road tires and a lightweight chariot, this team is made for speed. That full face helmet is gonna be in your face before you can blink.


Strengths: Winner 2009, 2010 and it's never stopped rolling in three years.

Team Twink:

Strengths: Picture that scene at the end of Braveheart only this time THEY'RE the ones doing the drawing and quartering.


Strengths: They have the strongest grip on the battlefield. They will never let go. Ever. And if a shopping cart can get slammed into a curb at 40mph by a bunch of joyriding high-schoolers and not take any damage, it can take anything Ben Hurt can throw at it.

The Unicycle Bastards:

Strengths: They keep coming back, and in greater numbers. Warriors from another time, and really fu*king tough on the battlefield. If you think Love Hurts, you ain't never met these guys!

White Stallions:

Strengths: The predecessor to Team Sexxon they're compact and maneuverable. They'll carry a grudge and beat you with it.

We Apologize  for photo credits (or lack thereof). Help us out by adding a photo credit in the comments.  Special thanks to, Hal Bergman Photography, LDL, Carole, Heather McGrath, and Gabriel Amadeus.