Tuesday, February 1, 2011

The Greatest Warriors on Earth!

Think you're ready to win Chariot Wars? Think of who you'll have to beat first.

Awosum Boneurs:

Strengths: They're Batshit Crazy, and have more weapons packed in that little chariot than most people even dream of. 2nd place 2010

Mini Bike Army (TWO TEAMS!):

Strengths: Invaders from the north. They dominate Portland with unforgiving brutality and sexuality. (rumors they're ACTUALLY Canadian are lies!)

Rev Phil:

Strengths: Creator of the most dangerous chariot EVER. This chariot could kill or severely maim everyone at once. Literally.

Team Campfire:

Strengths: Lower carbon footprint wooden chariot means a higher likelihood of stomping their competitors.

Team Canada (AKA The Brakes):

Strengths: One of the most ferocious teams ever in Chariot Wars. They can take a harder hit than anyone, and do it in their underwear! Gentleman James got 1st Place 2007

Cart Madness:

Strengths: Fast and tough from out of town. Don't second guess the mighty shopping cart!

Castle Stormers:

Strengths: Years of hauling around heavy soundsystems by tallbike give this team unparalleled pulling power.


Strengths: Probably the 2nd most unbreakable hitch of all time. The wield foam bats like a tornado throws kids in a kindergarten class.

Dead Babies:

Strengths: Years of experience kicking the most ass in the Pacific Northwest. They're constantly smiling because they know they're just about to kick your ass too.


Strengths: He's loud. Really REALLY Loud. Bursting eardrums left and right leave a wake of destruction behind this chariot.

Team Dethwish:

Strengths: Indestructible construction, and tough as hell. 2 flat tires, a broken chain, and covered in searing road flares they got 1st Place in 2008


Strengths: Strength. 'Nuff said.


Strengths: Indestructible everything. They are utterly RELENTLESS in their pursuit of victory. Never underestimate their sneakiness. 2nd Place 2009, 3rd place 2010 & 2008.


Strengths: Small, manuverable, and f*cking fast. This team figured out how to encase a human in a bomb-shelter and mount it on wheels. First ever winner of Chariot Wars 2007.

The Fukit Bukket:

Strengths: Deadly with a mop, and cute as a button.


Strengths: She will leave you beaten, cold, and naked on the battlefield. Her craftiness is not to be underestimated.

Hamster Ball:

Strengths: Part of the Pedalphiles this team can battle upside down. This contraption is the most elaborate body armor anyone has ever worn to Chariot Wars. It's like an exoskeleton of ass-kicking.


Strengths: They created Chariot Wars. Seriously Sinister weapons, a solid chariot, and a twisted sense of life. Their "flying monkey attack" should be feared all over the Northwest.

Team John Doe:

Strengths: He's not falling down, he's bodyslamming the earth!

Team 12:

Strengths: Anyone who can pull 5 steel bike frames, and two humans on 4" cranks while casually smoking a cigarette can crush you with their pinky toe.

North Freak:

Strengths: Rock solid construction, and tough as shit.  Their chariot ain't bad either.

Not Sorry:

Strengths: They're not sorry. Ever. It takes 4 people to take down even one person on this team. I have proof.

Original Sauce:

Strengths: Style and foam spikes.


Strengths: They're not even human. Their warriors and their battle cars appear through dark black wormholes, and from behind your uncles woodshed. They come only to destroy everything, leaving portland in shambles.

Team Pedicab:

Strengths: Any bike able to haul a cart-load of drunken assholes around on a Friday night has no problem running over a bunch of drunken assholes on a Saturday morning too. This team is definitely done taking any shit from anyone. Ask them. I dare you.

Team Red Cross:

Strengths: These guys can take a flying shoe to the face while riding at top speed, and still win the race staring through the spray of their own blood. Who's gonna save you now?

Team SALT:

Strengths: They'll do anything on a moment's notice. They're crazy like that.

Team Trial By Error:

Strengths: Skinny road tires and a lightweight chariot, this team is made for speed. That full face helmet is gonna be in your face before you can blink.


Strengths: Winner 2009, 2010 and it's never stopped rolling in three years.

Team Twink:

Strengths: Picture that scene at the end of Braveheart only this time THEY'RE the ones doing the drawing and quartering.


Strengths: They have the strongest grip on the battlefield. They will never let go. Ever. And if a shopping cart can get slammed into a curb at 40mph by a bunch of joyriding high-schoolers and not take any damage, it can take anything Ben Hurt can throw at it.

The Unicycle Bastards:

Strengths: They keep coming back, and in greater numbers. Warriors from another time, and really fu*king tough on the battlefield. If you think Love Hurts, you ain't never met these guys!

White Stallions:

Strengths: The predecessor to Team Sexxon they're compact and maneuverable. They'll carry a grudge and beat you with it.

We Apologize  for photo credits (or lack thereof). Help us out by adding a photo credit in the comments.  Special thanks to Bikeportland.org, Hal Bergman Photography, LDL, Carole, Heather McGrath, and Gabriel Amadeus.

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